Posted in Begin again., Embracing the pain of separation, Fight back, Something real, Soothing struggles

Felt Like A Fool

Last few years were so unfortunate that it keeps me awake even today. Sometimes I just feel like punishing myself really hard for accepting the apology but not denying to trust again. Deep down I already knew that I was just the object of desire, that people really liked me for a thousand reasons and all of them wanted to walk with me when the sun sets. So let’s agree to disagree because I either keep it all inside as silence is the best reply to a shock or tell exactly how I feel with no filter. I’m really sorry for the mean, awful and accurate things I might say because I was always told that be everyone’s friend but nobody’s fool but I just got caught, maybe I chose the darkness.

It wasn’t just tough on the grey matter inside, time was barely on my side. I didn’t want to waste a moment. The cyclone I was chasing threw me farther away but hope and hard work was all that I still believed in.

Finding purpose along the way with the shades of life I never portrayed. I didn’t want to rest I was happily fighting with every beat until I could sense my shadow turning to a blue ray. I was running even in my dreams that just left me half awake and half asleep, turning nights into days. I think about it everyday and how can I let y’all go without saying a word again ’cause man, I know it’s never gonna be the same, I’m never the same. I just can’t follow the trail again.

I came to this place with new hopes and the happiness of being free. Away from home, couldn’t beat homesickness but thought you all being elders will give me love and warmth but you used me to save yourself.

*Felt distrust for trusting you because trust has to be earned but I learnt to distinguish between salt and sugar, to keep mum when unsure and to reach for the truth before reacting. Just because you’re elder than me doesn’t mean you’re always right after all to err is human.

I came here to have a fresh start and to avoid mistakes you looked for an opportunity in me; wasted me, bitched about me.

*Felt wrong for helping someone selflessly, for being nice but I learnt being nice isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and that it’s not wrong to stand for your dignity even if it brings someone’s secret out who’s trying to whitewash the whole scene. We don’t need to be over apologetic for something we didn’t do.

I came to you when I was burdened with responsibility. I couldn’t smile but trust me, I tried hard to. You read my vulnerable side and used it to cut the ladder I was climbing on. You made my weak days to represent my today’s state.

*Felt broken for writing a blog to help people like me but I learnt people can be insensitive too, I learnt to keep words locked inside, to choose people in life and to accept the fact that if it’s making me look like a frog in the well, it’s okay. We learn to be fine with the time when even our family stops believing in us and to accept the hard truth that if angels exist then demons too.

I met you when I wasn’t supposed to, I had a pale face with short trimmed hair and so many luggage. My lips were too tight to a utter word after what I had been through so all I said was, “here comes no expectations except giving each other some free space”.

*Felt wrong for believing in the cover of the book, for expecting humanity but I learnt the fact that the one in this world who’s for you, is you. You’ve always saved yourself and you’ll do it again.

I was free, unloaded, happy. I had plans for the new phase of my life. It was exciting because this time it was you. Four years ago, my mom left me out to know the nature of the nature and I thought my knowledge in humans will help both of us to fight all odds.

But this time I felt like a fool; no explanation, no blames just felt like a FOOL.

Perhaps, I’m not the only traveler who went through this and went through the same again. I know that I will never have to ride along with you. I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. Why to protect even the good memories that y’all gave when it’s only a game I needed you but your words and action made it harder to stay and I may forgive that but how can I forgive when it was a pattern.

Expressing this took a really long time and today, I wonder what’s mine can’t take no more. I was always clear I just wonder if any of you will ever understand because understanding someone else, keeping yourself at the same place isn’t so easy maybe that’s why I still keep a lot to myself.

Want to let them know it’s my alone time. Not everyone can be fluent in silence you play in the traffic. Shrimad Bhagwat Geeta says, forgive them; to forgive is divine, God will take care of the rest. So here I forgive you in colours.

A happy ending gives a happy start so here’s to the future✨🎆

Hey, readers! This is the second post for the 2019 series, although it was written a year ago but I really request you guys to read this one because this will help you to digest those sudden shocks some given from our very own and some from acquaintances who squeeze all the benefits from us and then leave us playing victim themselves.

Face it all, warriors! It’s just a phase. ♥️

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